姚の世界 yao's world

Is it alright?

2011-05-16T06:01:00.000-07:00

The more I try to conceal, the more I am lost.

How I wish you would always tell me what worries you timely.

At least I can get to approach your mind that way?

I can't read your mind, I can't reach it at all.

Making me feel like there's a distance which I can't break.

I hope, you can be honest to me.

Wondering if there's anything I did or said which bothers you.

I don't want you to suffer by that alone.

Just admit if there's anything.

Some times my thought changes...

Some times I sense things changing...

My surrounding is also changing...

My focus changes as well...

Perhaps I just need more time to adapt to the new change.

I hate how slow I am....

Is it me thinking too much?

Or it's just that you're being too hectic and too much things to concern?

Do you ever feel the same way as I do?

I feel truly sorry...for all the troubles I've brought to you.

I know how my mood is fluctuating.

I'm afraid that you might be influenced by my unstable mood.

In that case, I would rather choose to spend my time alone than troubling you.

On the other hand, I wish to stay by your side when it's necessary.

No matter what mood you possess, I don't mind.

I just realized... a person can either be hurt by a deed or by someone not doing anything or both.

What I always have in my mind

2011-05-15T14:20:00.000-07:00

Treasure

2011-04-01T08:28:00.000-07:00

Looking back those letters and cards from my old friends and also some emotional diaries I wrote. It is absolutely once in a blue moon for me to have a rummage in drawers and dig out all those stuffs.

I realized how childish I was again. Maybe it's the sign of growing up to a higher stage again?

This was what happened while I was form 4 and 5:

I thought the diaries I wrote before (form 1-3?) was all so ridiculous. I laughed at how innocent I was, at the same time jealous at myself, the previous optimistic me, thinking how I can no longer turn back to the way before anymore. That's the worst feeling ever. How can one ever jealous at themselves?

I even burnt all the diaries i wrote because of that back then. I just couldn't stand it, the diaries reflect the happy me before but also how I turned to be so miserable that makes me so suffer, though those are sweet memories written in my diary. The darkness filled my mind up that mislead my thought all tend to the negative way, even sweet memories can also pull me down to hell.

Form 4 & 5 huh? The best word can be used to describe those two years of my life is emo.
I kept on blaming myself. Thinking myself as an unlucky mankind, meaningless existence that no one will even know it when I disappear from this world one day, disappear without making a sound, making good for the earth. So I created my email with a word 'invisible'.

I even told my mom, "My life is meaningless, the ones important to me have moved on but only me left behind waiting at the same place, I'm so useless and silly, I'm so coward that I dare not express my true feeling and end up losing the grip. I hate this world, how realistic this world is. There's darkness every where!"

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I guess most of my secondary classmates know it since the change is obvious.

I've changed to be down almost all the day after form 3.

That time I've suddenly become all close-up, building a kind of invisible wall to myself layer by layer.

I had only a few close friends, I guess they can't get to reach my mind as well.

That time I was truly miserable, hide myself in the darkness, close myself in a cage I built.

Why I become like that? Well, I always live my life in the past instead of looking forward.

I can't help making comparison between the past and present.

When we were separated to different class, I started to feel insecure and upset.
As if a building which can collapse any time, as if some of the struts supporting me before had broken.
Yeah, because some of those important to me were no longer staying by my side like before, I felt so helpless, starting to view this world from all different negative angles.

Now I look at those words my old friends wrote, I realize how I childish I was.

They were trying hard to give me a hand, to grant me encouragement, but I didn't get it at all.

Still living inside the little world of myself. I didn't even have guts to tell them how I miss ém.
I'm not the spontaneous type. Even until now, I won't tell someone how I miss them, instead, I'll keep this feeling. I rarely find, contact or talk to some one else first by myself.

And I realize, secondary school friends are truly important. Who else in life gonna spend their effort doing cards and writing letters with all their heart like they did? And those letter I keep, are now treasure. Very memorable ones. Now, unlike before, I won't burn it, instead, they keep me smiling. As I finally get to see it now. After becoming more optimistic again, I now realize how bad it is to put yourself into the darkness when others are actually not pulling you to the darkness. I've lost my friends by myself, wasted their effort, pushing myself away from them, every thing was ruined by my own hands. It's ok now. Everyone learn from mistake. I should have learned my lesson now, though it might be too late. Special thanks to Phedra, Eileen, Tsai Cheng, Kimlin, Yuan Chyn and... a noob zai LPC! You guys truly mean a lot to me on those days. And also sorry that I keep emo-ing that time.

your messages— •°°•.☆

2011-03-24T14:02:00.000-07:00

Now...I finally get to know xxx's feeling before.

I'm glad xxx had moved on eventually... truly...

I could not accept xxx since I don't have special feeling towards xxx.

But I wanna say,

"Sorry for the effort & time you'd spent and wasted.
But...Thank you very much...
for your care and concern...among those days...
umm....not just days...but years?
You really are a jerk
who didn't have 'give up' this word in your dictionary!
No matter how many times I pushed you away and turn you down... "

How many persons had misunderstood our relation?

Sorry for hurting xxx but it's all passed already.

Now...it's my turn...to feel those kinda feelings towards other...

So, this is how it feels?

Hey guys...

Have you ever anticipated for someone's message on phone...

that you are so excited when the phone rings...

but too bad the message you receive isn't the one you're waiting for?

End up disappointed? Haha...that's sorta funny thing...I think...

I laugh at myself...saying how ridiculous my emotion is...

Frankly, I never expect I'll experience such kinda feeling until recently... x_x

"When you asked why,
I made a joke
because I thought
the answer was obvious.
Spending time with you
just feels…right, somehow.
Easy, like the way it’s supposed to be."

Jan 2011

2011-01-30T16:55:00.000-08:00

My mom said luckily her daughter is strong enough to carry almost 20 kg goods along the flight back to hometown. OMG...haha....I have so much strength.

While jogging with Bobby, I suddenly felt so lucky that I have healthy legs, which allow me to walk side by side/ shoulder to shoulder with the others or even run freely without much worries and burden like having others to pull my wheel chair. Suddenly, I felt like my existence is worthwhile. I feel lucky to have healthy limbs that I at least have some usefulness. I can lend other my hands, I can walk by myself, I can do anything I want just if I believe in myself.

I can't deny, I ever doubt whether I'm the true daughter at home, living such life doubtfully for about 10 years but I never reveal such feeling to anyone, but only the sky. Until recently, my mom mentioned a thing to me and finally make me certain that, I'm truly a daughter of hers. I hold my tears though I almost cried to hear those stories of hers. How tough she was to give birth to me. How much trouble I brought to her to have me born alive. You know why? Everyone was saying how I don't look alike with anyone whom has kinship with me, not just my siblings and parents, but relatives also. Imagine how those words go to your ears most of the time. Then my mom would even answer, "maybe I get the wrong one, there's a bumiputera giving birth near by me, the doctor have mistaken and gave me hers perhaps." They always said I looked like 'LAKIA'. That calling has suffered me for quite a long time. It hurts. I always pray to the sky, even if really in that case like what my mom mentioned, please allow my skin to become fairer, please give me strength, grant me magic. Haha...I know I was innocent. =P
Till now, I gain courage when I look into the sky. :) I think I've fallen in love with the sky.

First weekend after school re-open

2011-01-15T07:41:00.000-08:00

14th January 2011

It's quite fun to hang out with my friends around the city, we spent almost 8 hours to walk around everywhere nearby. I bought a Domo-kun phone seat back, whee~ I told myself I must bring domo back since I first saw you, ngahaha, you're too adorable... xP

Another first time here~! I had been to the temple near by the dock for few times, but I never climb to the highest floor. We borrowed the key from the authority there to climb to the highest place. It has a big bell there, we can strike it and the sound produced indicates it may bring peace & good luck, perhaps... if not mistaken...hehe...actually I dunno whether or not we're allowed to do so. xP

Walking around, we found durian seller, the smell was so strong, hehe....it's been quite a while for the durian session, though I don't eat durian, but it gives me some strange feeling which I can't explain, not hating it either but like it, why? Hehe...reminiscent of warmth moment?

We shop around, bought some shirts and necklace as well. Compare to our hometown, the things sold here is a bit cheaper. We discovered some cool outfit, cicada, pigeon, and many more.

Teehee...we simply walk around as many places as we can, since we would like to spare our whole day outside. It's truly fun though tiring. On the way of our journey or adventure (?? xD), we met quite a number of schoolmates. Haha...maybe the town is too small and it's the only place youngsters may hang out at.

After that, I rush to attend my relative's birthday dinner. Stay overnight at their place.

15th January 2011

Spent my whole days with my cousin, she worries about my stomach almost every single minute. Asking me to eat this and that... = = After staying at her place, I always have to try really hard to lose the weight I gained. I saw her killing chicken, yer...but I still dare to eat after witnessing the cruel scene. Perhaps I've almost get used to such things. Before, I wasn't dare to eat meat the whole day after seeing some bloody scene, though not killing a chicken or whatever, but something like my kittens had part of their body being eaten by their own mom. It was truly cruel and hellish. I also witnessed quite a number of my pets being crashed by car.

I didn't know, today is my another cousin's birthday. So, I attend another dinner again. Huhu...since I stay here, I've attend several dinners. Maybe it's the custom of Foochow? I'm not very getting used to such situation though.

Played with my nieces, they're cute...though i hate kids... hahaha....hang out with them for a while, causing me headache, because of a hyperactive niece of mine. x_x Some more he doesn't allow us to control his move by pushing our hand away when we try to hold his hand.

Then I returned hostel. Mr. cockroach is sure starving since I've abandoned him for two days without feeding him. Tonight, he's eating the biscuit I give him, wah~ The first time I see cockroach eating. So it's like this huh? Just like grasshopper. =x Well, we always found and collect grasshoppers from the bushes then rear them inside a bottle during childhood days. xP
Or even cook or burn ants? xD Haha...the curious us, it's damn memorable.

Ok...Sooner or later will update again. ;)

One more time, One more chance

2011-01-02T21:29:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone...

Have you ever...look for someone wherever you go...every corner...any place...even though you know...that someone actually won't be there?

You might feel their existence in the atmosphere...thinking or feeling like, they may be around...when you turn around, you realize...it's just that you're cherishing the memories...and can't help but disappointed.

Did you ever write message for no one, but merely to yourself and saved it?

Anyway, I re-watch 5 centimeters per second (秒速5厘米). More feelings and opinion come across, for this animation.

No matter how many times I watch 5 centimeters per second...it's still...very....very....beautiful and touching, absolutely. Bittersweet...

I love how realistic the story is...just as if....it can be...story of many of us...as well...

The lyric of the theme song... the graphics...and the story...I love everything about it...the cherry blossom, the train, the sky, the expression...every thing...

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Title: One more time, One more chance (piano version)

How much more will I have to lose, before my heart is forgiven?
How many more pain will I have to suffer, to meet you once again?
One more time, oh seasons, don't disappear
One more time, the time when we were messing around

Whenever we argued, I would always give in first right?
Your selfish nature made me love you even more
One more chance, the memories stopped my legs
One more chance, I cannot choose my next destination

Im always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
On the opposite platform, in the windows along the lane
Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place
If my wish were to come true, I would be at your side right away
There would be nothing I couldn't do
I would put everything on the risk and hold you tight, I'll show you.

If I just wanted to distract my loneliness, anybody would have been enough.
The stars seems like it will fall in the night which is why i can't lie to myself.
One more time, oh seasons, don't disappear
One more time, the time when we were messing around

I'm always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
Even when I'm crossing a street, Even in the midst of my dreams
Even though I know you couldn't be at a place like this!
If a miracle were to happen, I would want to show you immediately
A new morning, who I'll be from now on
And the words i never said called: "I Love You"

The memories of summer are revolving
The throbbing which suddenly disappeared

Im always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
At dawn on the streets, at Sakuragi-cho
Even though I know you couldn't be at a place like this!
If my wish were to come true, I would return to your side right away
There would be nothing I couldn't do
I would risk everything and hold you tight I'll show you!

I'm always searching, for fragments of you to appear somewhere
At a travellers store, in the corner of newspaper,
Even though I know you couldn't be at a place like this!
If a miracle were to happen, I would want to show you immediately
A new morning, who I'll be from now on
And the words I never said called: I Love You.

I always end up looking for your smile, to appear somewhere
At the railroad crossing, waiting for the express to pass
Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place
If our lives could be restarted,
No matter how many times it will be I will go back to you
What I would wanted then would then be nothing
The Things Other Then You!

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Besides, I learn how I like this anime is also because of what I encountered.

Different from this anime, I experienced such feeling, not from love, but friendship that I think they can be equally strong, no?

This animation shows the facts of couple, being separated and distant by the distance, which act as a barrier between them.

Distance...still is something that breaks the link or chain, between lovers...though it's a mutual love. It kills courage, confidence and faith…create fear and insecure... (With only 3 episodes...the animation shows how the love and beautiful memory change a person...with the passing...of each second.)

The sweet memory...passes by very quickly...just as if the speed of Sakura (cherry blossom) falling, which last shortly… the season...)

It also shows how a person who can't forget the past, holding on those memories, living their life in the past, not being able to let go the past, and so it covers their eyes from noticing something beautiful in front. Instead, they keep seeking, chasing or tracing the past, any time, any where...

Living their life, like a lost and doubtful soul, or even a body without soul...

Feel like, there's nothing comparable...to the beauty they encountered in the past.

Therefore they almost give up on seeking the beautiful things.

Slowly, romance and beauty, fade from their life.

They become tougher as those things fade slowly...from their sight...

No longer interested or believe in romance...in their life.

[In the end of this anime, the main character goes back to the place. He learns how he still has feelings towards those memories...and...he learns the girl he always cherish the most, had already moved on...he smiles…and finally…it's time...let go and it's now alright for him to move on too….even though he still hold on those beautiful memories which he’s almost give out and losses feeling. How long…does it spend? =’) ]

However, the one who is able to let go, turn the past to be a sweet memory.

Keep living their life happily...by keeping the sweet memory deep down inside their heart.

Like a nutrient, which assist them on growing...let bygone be bygone, keep moving on...without turning back...

[This is what the girl in the story does.]

We shouldn't give out on seeking the sakura, despite of you realize how short the wonderful season is.

Don't give out the rest wonderful session, just because of the withering of once sakura, such short season, in the past.

Like that, sakura would not fall anymore, inside your soul.

Open up your eyes...it’s time to clear off everything…put those memories inside your heart...but not let it be the obstacle in front of your eyes …so that your cherry blossom, will re-bloom.

Here goes my older post about this movie... it was the first time I watched it...I shared my favorite AMV related to this movie. Those songs suits the scenes and the story perfectly. That's how I love 'em...you may like them too. =)

Click here to see --> http://yaoyao92.blogspot.com/2009/04/5-centimeters-per-second.html

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From my point of view about true love:

A true love...might not be lasting....
A lasting relationship....might never become a true love.

True love isn't necessary about how long it lasts... it's about how both care for each other...having mutual cares...and strong feelings towards each other. Truly...love each other...that's it.

I think...the story shows true love... despite how they go on separate way in the end, despite how there's no lasting relationship...even though they don't end up together....the memories...is still... igniting...forever... and still, they move on...at last...after a very very long time...

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I figure out one of my favorite quote...which I always recall in my mind.

"To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have."

It’s something difficult to control. Not like what I wish to… so….This quotation... as if always reminding me...how about ya? I’ll always keep it...and believe....through thick and thin, with the passing of time, we can overcome the obstacle and become stronger...learn to let go...

It's been quite a while without update in my blog, again... =P

By the way, happy new year~! Huhu...though a bit late...it's already the 3rd day of 2011.

God bless. Cheers~

Cookie Monster 降临！将将！

2010-11-17T21:22:00.000-08:00

Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu....

Nothing much to say....

最近神经有点错乱，请多多谅解。。。呵呵。。。

This is the narcisstic Cookie Monster ...

Having a little short circuit in her brain recently...

忧郁形态降临... 囧

Emo? xD Fake one lar... pretend pretend only....haha...

&

古灵精怪降临也。。。囧囧囧

Lastly... ... ...!

本尊降临。。。 Ngo ngoooot~! 囧囧囧囧囧

Muahahahaha..... sweat....

Today...

I asked my brother

"Oh dear, which one do you prefer?"

He chose my handmade cake...

Wanna look at his reaction?

<---This is Ah Hui

Oh?

Now Ah Hui says that's not him....

Then, you want this?

Pui!!! You want I also won't do that!!!!

Mouth always no brush one, bau bau...

In the end...

He don't want anything liao....

So we dance together at least lor...

Party and happy a while lor...

Ah Hui: "Yo yo yo...happy happy happy....

人生就是要活的痛快，

yo yo...check it out yo!

..... .... ....... .... .... ....... ........ ........

..... .... ....... ........ ........... .... ....... ........ ........

.... .... ....... .... .... .... .... ....."

Me: " Silent ki??? "

Ah Hui--> <-- Me

Ah Hui: "Wuwuwuwuwu...."

Me: "Kekekekeke....I see.

Ah Hui, it's the gift of God,

must be happy and treasure it yer!"

Hahahaha.... to my stupid brother~ ngo ngoot...

Urgh...

本人在自high...

Ok...

It's time to...

--------------------------------- The End ------------------------------

Sudden thoughts...

2010-11-16T19:40:00.000-08:00

Huhuhu…..dunno why….I suddenly wonder, why I never take a picture under the vast blue sky.

Some more dress in my favorite gown.

Now it is listed as one of my wishlist, hehehehe…..

By the way, conversation between Eileen and I make me to dig out some of my opinion, lol…

Here’s my opinion:

Children should have childhood. They shouldn't face the realistic world at that time.

Children have great faith, it's because of how innocent they are.

This kind of child will have more confidence and creativity in future.

Humans tend to accept the generally accepted view.

Thus, we tend to draw back or become upset by how others are discouraging us, we start to have 'impossible', this phrase, in our mind.

However, children are different, despite how others discourage them, they still insist their belief.

When we grow up, everything starts to change...starts to have more doubt….to be more hesitant, more things become impossible, this is bad.

We should at least let children, have their sweet childhood, but not destroy it.

It's somewhat related to what Mr.Kan mentioned, which I agree a lot too. He said, when he was teaching primary school students are very volunteered to answer his question but when it comes to secondary school, the amount of students who are volunteer to answer is decreasing sharply. Lastly, for the tertiary students, only few or none of the students are willing to answer. Everyone seems reluctant to do that.

Haha…do you discovered that I always keep what Mr. Kan mentioned in my mind? Well, not just him, Mr. Chan, Mr. Chin and so forth are those I respect a lot. I like to listen to their story, experience, etc…

It also reminds me of my childhood. When I was a primary grade 1 student, due to my daddy’s career, I got to go to school early in the morning. Early in the morning, I have nothing to do but helping teacher and sweeping the floor every morning. Because of this, my teacher treated me well, she is a fond teacher. One day, a girl walk near to me (I realize when my mind grow mature, didn’t she purposely walk so near to me? Didn’t she notice I was sweeping the floor? She must be jealous of how teacher treat me well.) when I was sweeping the floor like what I did every week day. I accidentally swept her foot and she got very angry at me, pointing at me using harsh and heavy tone, saying, “…….I give you a chance!...” I’ve already forgotten the whole sentence, but only one word I can never forget, which is “chance!”. I never know what it means until she mentioned it to me, I was shocked at that time, thinking like, “Did I do something wrong? I already apologized, what does “chance” mean?” After that, I learnt a phrase called ‘chance’. I started to feel doubt…about doing something teacher praise, is also something wrong…even when I said sorry sincerely, it doesn’t solve the problem…

I got to say, adults are the ones spoiling their children. That girl had somehow caused me to become more close-up. I start to feel, something realistic in this world since that time. Why a girl at that age has already known so many things? And they’re even there to destroy the others’ thought? It must be what they learn from the adult or drama, no? I can never forget that…it's a shadow left in my memory.

The apple reminded me of you

2010-09-26T02:03:00.000-07:00

Eating an apple, standing at the balcony alone, staring at the object far away, as far as I could, that's what I always do at hostel when I'm alone. In this way, many thoughts will come together in my mind. Besides, I can think properly in such quite and peaceful environment, that's why I prefer to be alone sometimes, but not all the time yer....hehe....because....still, as a girl, loneliness is something I can't help.... >=) Especially with windy weather, I'll stand at the balcony, as the gentle breeze always calm myself down and I feel comfortable that way... how about ya?

I have to say, sometimes it comes across my mind while I'm eating an apple, the memory is recalled even today. That's somewhat memorable, though I may forget some details or parts out of all...

This story, begins with a senior in morning section and a girl in afternoon section. That's why they can hardly see each other but they used the same classroom and took the same seat though they're not classmate. That senior dropped a few lines on a wooden board (impressive huh? Haha....I guess it's the leftover of their KHB's project work) and put it inside the drawer of the desk. In the afternoon, the girl discovered the board for sure, it was obvious that there's some words written there.

Actually, they had known each other before it, because they're always waiting at the same place as they had to wait for the primary school to go home after school, and that's when they started to talk to each other, although they didn't talk much. The girl was surprised to get the board, she felt it's truly interesting and so she replied.

The board, was written over and over between them until it was full with words, that was really memorable one. =) That senior would always draw an apple with each message, and sometimes he would pass by our class while he's having the extra class in the afternoon, eating an apple and wave to the girl. Somehow the girl could feel curious about what message she would receive each day and what should she reply during her boring lesson, hehe... an apple a day,keep the doctor away huh? She felt like eating apple each time she saw the board. There's neither much conversation nor close relationship between 'em but it was truly fun and interesting! At least this allows her to have something to anticipate each school day.

However, such situation only lasted about 3 or 4 months, until they got each of their contact number. It was then the girl realized that the message written on board in the drawer would be appreciated rather than message through the mobile phone, which give less feeling. A message on board each day is rather precious than the message which could be sent or received any time from phone. The memory after that is not clear inside her mind now, she's not sure of why they had contact less and less and eventually they never return back to the way they were before. They only send some regards to each other during some special festivals. No more other conversation between them but only smiling to each other while they meet. 1 year, 2 years.... 3 years.....just pass with like that... well,don't misunderstand, though sounds sweet, this was merely friendship to only some small extent... just that the board and the apple are memorable, hehehe...

Now, the senior had passed away. That's too sad to be truth for everyone who know him that such good guy pass away in such young age and his girl friend is truly sad for sure...I very seldom browse my Friendster because no one is using it now. Surprisingly, there's a girl who keep on writing on his wall, the only update I could see from my Friendster news feed for so far. That's his girlfriend. I'm not sure whether she still writing it now. You know what? We can never forget about someone who had left us good memory, even if it only lasted temporarily... Friend, you're always alive as long as you're remember inside any heart. Goodbye to you but the memory you had given to each and everyone of us would not be erased. Fly to the place you where originated...

Today is Moon Cake Festival

2010-09-22T01:46:00.000-07:00

Yeah~ Today is my lunar birthday as well, muahahaha....
That's why I'm born to be as round (plump) as a full moon?
Well, I always comfort my self this way.... TT^TT Poor me.... lol...
However, we had already celebrated it last night,
as there was a great event held by school.
What a jolly night! =) It had good atmosphere.

I came accross a bad dream this morning.
It was about our house encountered break-in and burglar.
Then I discover the thieves and fought with them for a while, then run!
(well, I always have such stupid dream,
that some bad men or women or even monster chase after me here and there,
so I try hard to escape, hiding plus running... )

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Yeah yeah....something ridiculous like the picture below:

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Riiiinnnnggggggggggggggg!

My alarm clock woke me up and interrupted my dream.
Haha...... Ekhemmm.....is it the consequence of cursing people to have nightmare?
Well.....okay... = =||| Or perhaps it is because of I read many articles
related to burglaries from newspaper nowadays.
What a freaky hide and seek. Phew~

This afternoon my eldest sister told me a bad news.
The monkey had passed away.... TT^TT
It's truly sad to hear about that....monkey, rest in peace. Sigh~

And and and....what the.....I have to do something for the club again.
Wuwuwu....it's such a wet blanket.
Sometimes I'm thinking about can I give out on the post of secretary?
Plus our past president will no more be there to talk to us or guide us anymore.
It's kinda disappointing... hmmppp.... Thanks him for helping us a lot.

Depressed by loneliness...what I kept deep inside...

2010-08-30T05:19:00.000-07:00

Well I come across with many things in my mind this few days. Different emotion arise suddenly and I miss home out of the sudden. On top of that, I miss my high school friends. Just felt lonely and empty out of nowhere. I hate this side of mine. Tears, how long have you been not falling? You breaks my heart badly. I hate myself by how I can't stop myself from living in the past. Instead of finding good things in front of my eyes, I always blinded by the comparison I always make in my mind, comparing about what I had in the past with what I miss out in present. This will eventually end up losing every thing and even myself.

I guess... I've realized why I can't help but feel so lonely. Unlike before, I can no longer go back to my warmest home every day as before. Home is always the greatest source of strength due to my lovely family members and pets. Nothing else can replace 'em. No matter how tough the time is, every thing will be fine after I return home. That's the only place, I feel really secure, free and easy. Nothing to pretend, never be alone... laughter and noise echoed everywhere. It's just simple as that, no other place which can make me feel so easy and also distribute such warm, joyful atmosphere for me. The strong bond between us, lead us treating each other naturally without having to hide any feeling, despite of seeing all of each others' fault and bad habits, we can accept and get used to it. Though sometimes it's bad to take family for granted because of being too close. . .

Imagine each day when I wanna step into the house, Bobby will always wag his tail, run quickly to approach me and happily jump towards me to welcome my homecoming. Though he dirty my shirt, I felt really happy that he always does so despite the fact I've ignored him sometimes, he still wags his tail to response me as if showing how happy he is to see me, and that's rejoiced me to see him as well. Good boy, Bobby. Love you always, you're the best and you heal my wound by somehow.

By the way, I can smell my meal while going home! Yeah...I still like my mom's food the best! Also, I can tease my siblings. Share every thing which has happened in a day with mom. Watch TV and laugh together with family. Jogging with Bobby, though sometimes no one wants to accompany me, Bobby always volunteer to go jogging with me.

If there's anything I don't like, then I will just straightaway admit it. On the other hand, if at places which other than home , I have no choice but forced to do something I don't really like and due to the fear of being left out by the others, I don't have the gut to admit my true feeling. I know I'm a coward but this kind of fear is somehow unavoidable or inevitable while I'm having such fragile relationship with friends, just as if, it can be broken into pieces with just little impact.

There's many things I can't do here. I wish I can complete my course ASAP, with good results. Then I can once again, return to my warmest place where I belong to. I hate to admit how weak I'm actually, some times I can't help to doubt if I would lose myself after staying at a place which I can hardly feel ease and release my feelings for too long. Also, I'm truly exhausted by living such life where I can't express my true self. It's suffocating that I need more fresh air to breathe.

I also recall those days I spent with Eileen, a high school friend of mine. Realizing how important she is to me. She's the only friend I ever fight with, act naturally with and shout at. Haha....well...it's called as true friend yer! Have any opinion, then just speak out without having to worry much. It's all because she's straightforward towards me, and so I treat her in such a way too. I feel at ease with that, despite the rude words escape from her mouth. It's because I always prefer the words comes straightly from people's heart and not something sounds good but fake! I rather facing an enemy than a fake smile, that's why.

When she did something I don't like, I would just straightly shout at her face, asking her to stop doing such stupid thing. Haha....though sometimes she's too stubborn / obstinate and wont obey what I order, I feel good to express all my true feeling out. And that's what I don't even dare to do towards my newly made friends. It makes me hiding my real feelings and suffer by that. Even if I have many new friends now, I can say...the most conversation between us are just 'hi' and 'bye bye', full stop! No one treats me as she did, that's why I don't dare to treat them the way I really am and this eventually suffers me that I realize a fact. No matter how many friends I have, I still feel lonely without a true friend around.

Besides, thinking about seniors who are leaving. I wanna thanks Hie Siang and Alvin, who are the only ones talk to me first while I'm alone and silent. I guess I'm always alone and somewhat gives out dark aura which freak people out. Haha....no one even dares to approach me but only two of you do. Only you two have such guts huh? xP Thank you so much and I'm always pleased to talk to you guys. =) Knowing both of you are leaving, I can't help again, to add some loneliness. Here, I sincerely express my gratitude to all of you, whoever had accompanied me, and granted me warmth.

I always believe the gloomy clouds will fade. Hardship will pay off one day. Since, no rain, no rainbow. Teeheee....stay strong. Insist on this faith~!

Sibu Festival

2010-07-17T11:44:00.000-07:00

Last night was the first day of Sibu Festival. In such day, sure have festive atmosphere, it's packed with people everywhere. It is another first experience of mine, to hang out with friends until midnight, I never did this before.

Well, there's nothing special, the food is just normal but one of the amusement rides was fun, wakaka....many of us tried it, it's quite thrilling, hmmm hmmp!!! Felt like free from gravity though I'm heavy,I know, hahaa.....it's sort of rocket ride resemble the picture below. It turns, spins and rotates which makes me dizzy.... @.@

There was light rain after that. We then went to cafe named 'half-moon' , lolz... because it looks like one, a half circular constructed cafe. Finished our food and play like kids at the playground equipped there,haha...

Finally, we return hostel about 1 a.m. something and most of the hostel students are still awake, perhaps the night is still young for them, hoho...

Hmmmm....Essay writing? Haha.....but what a lousy grammar, sure will get low marks eh... xD

Prom Night

2010-06-25T23:55:00.000-07:00

Wow...it's the first time I attend prom night, and I had never been to any dinner held by school or club. Well, I'm really glad to perform on the stage with friends, though sometimes they may complain about don't wanna practice, but once the music is played, they dance non-stop too, what does it mean actually? Hmmm....or perhaps they're actually enjoying it, aren't my friends? Hehe... and because of the performance, we went shopping together, we ate together, playing together, practice together, etc etc....in brief, without this activity, we may have spent less time together, less fun together and may have further relationship. =） Now recall the dancer election, I was so scared of being hated by friends because I call out their names without thinking much,luckily they seem enjoying it, I'm glad to see that. ^^ Though tonight performance wasn't as good as we expected, as we were somehow a little panicked by having not enough time to get ready, it's good enough that we all have tried our best. At least, we learn something new from this new experience. So, peace!!! Hehe... ...

I like my hair done by my stylist. OMG, I was really surprised, can she read my mind? I didn't even tell her what kinda hair style I want but she just did it as I expected. x) I only told her to do any hair style as long as it matches both my dinner outfit and also dancing outfit. How can she know I like hair braids plus puffy hair? Hahaha.....my 1st time hair straightening was done by her as well when I came to Sibu about 12 years old (wah....long long time ago, lolz....) , and I have my hair cut by her if I came to Sibu as the price is low and she could do it quite well. This time is the first time I let her set me hair. I'm satisfied, like it a lot. Hehehe... x) She's skillful and fast, complete tying my hair in short hour.

Thanks again to Alice and Li Hua for helping me with the make-up... really really thank you so much!!!! x) And also Tiff for the eye liner under eyes, lolz.... Now, can guess why I never attended such dinner before already? Because I think it's really troublesome, hmmmp!!! But I feel lucky to attend this prom night. x) By the way, It doesn't cost much too....

I was impressed by the beautiful and smart outfits. You all look good tonight, hehehe....all cinderella and princes.

Too bad in the lucky draw I can't get the printer!!! I really need it a lot, and my friends too!!! We all need it!!!!! Lord, why can't you hear me no matter how hard I pray? Why am I always so unlucky? Ish.....but I get used to it already, I had never win any lucky draw before, lolz.... our table only get a pack of Chrysanthemum Tea，sigh~ At least it's better than nothing,haha....

Well, I'm dog-tired right now...the days before prom night we had insufficient sleep due to doing last minute job (rushing the assignment when due date is approaching). And the rehearsal...and I actually I could sleep in the afternoon before prom night but too bad I have to do something for the club again, as a secretary...hmmmm.....the rain turn out to be rainbow tonight. Finally, it's over, happy hours always pass by quickly. Now, gonna continue with another 2 assignments. After this, we can focus on Final Exam. Yes, be a cinderella for a night and gonna turn back to normal life again. No rain no rainbow! This is life, must have ups and downs. Let's strive for the rainbow ahead! Yos, gambateh~!

Blood~!!!! Hehehehez......excited mood!

2010-06-09T23:02:00.000-07:00

Wow....what brings me to this long abandoned blog? Lolz....I have to say, I'm really excited right now.

Today, leo club of KLT held a blood donation activity. So, I very volunteer to donate my evil blood without having second thought. Because I can't wait to pass my evil blood to the others. *evil grin*

By the way, it may save a life without harming ourselves, why don't I have a try? Sure I wanna try! Without second of thought! Too bad they say my blood pressure is too low and unstable, and I will faint in this state if I insist to donate my blood. They don't allow too...truly disappointed. Sigh~ (By the way, I never fainted before, what's that feeling? I should have a try neh~ lolz...)

But it was fun. Hehe....the guys didn't plan to donate their blood just because they are scared of the injection, it's quite big in size, lolz....and big pack of blood... xD I was so excited to see that! (evil is running in my blood is it? xD)

So I said, "Ngaidi, I want also cannot...ish! I also don't scare ar! What for you scare? No **** ( every guy has one, don't wanna say, so embarrassing,hehehe...) meh?" Lolz....and then their reaction is really funny! LMAO!!!! xD Ahahahaha.....most of them also go have a try, but too bad they're not acceptable too. Only Alvin that manly blood can be used. Ahahaha...Sorry Alvin, I know you actually didn't plan to donate, but it can save a life, good job, man! You are so manly ! Hero~! Applause for you!!! Hehehehe... (it's funny when Alvin saw Gabriel faint, he said," I wanna faint later so that there'll be people carry me like him" and Kerly said," Alvin, don't faint, I doubt there's anyone can carry you up." Muahahaha...)

Michael also go test his blood because of being provoked by what I said...lolz...and he said, " see, I sacrifice my blood. It's for you." Michael, I went to test too! Only 1 drop of blood not a bag of blood, sweat, say till like this, lolz....blood type of most of us is A+ ! Mine also. O+ is the best but less people have it. =(

My female friends asked me why don't I scared of the pain and why was I so excited to donate my blood? Well, it's something good, it doesn't harm much and may save life, that's all I wish to do, I wish I can distribute something to help the others if I can. And pain? Well, such physical pain can be recovered easily and quickly, in brief, it's nothing for me. I'm more afraid of hurt. That will produce scar which lasts long and sometimes it is such a pain to recall it. I hate that, I hate tears. I just....hate the weak side of mine....it's so dark and painful.

Well, forget about the pain now! Let's talk about something more interesting. Hehez..

It recalls my first injection in primary school. Got 1 boy cried because of me. In primary school, I was sometimes bullied by others because I was too innocent & quiet. So I was forced and pushed by others to be the first and got the injection. But I didn't mind, I knew it's better than seeing other people got injected , that may even more scary to wait for injection after seeing the scene. After I got the injection, got a boy ask me, "hey! Painful or not? I'm so scared lei..." And I answered him with cool plain face,"well, see how the needle is pushed into our body, sure it's." Then that boy cried so badly! Ahahahahahaha.....who ask him bully me? Good lar! Revenge! Muahahaha....I'm such an evil since I was young.... xP

Tonight gonna practice dancing, tomorrow site visit and the day after tomorrow will have site visit + dance practice. But honestly, I like this.... xD I'm such a freak...hoho... no choice, evil is running in my blood. Muahahahaha....I don't like to write report though. =3=
Maybe I just cannot stand living a life without busyness, I will feel guilty & down in that way.

Just the pass few days I feel moody, and now I feel better after being a little bit more busy. =)

Well, life is full of ups and downs which we cannot avoid from.

Here comes one of my favorite quotation: “Life is like a rainbow. You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear.” =) Be stronger!!! RAWR!!!!!!

April Life (New environment , new experiences.)

2010-05-22T10:55:00.000-07:00

4 April

Travel to new place by airplane (Air Asia Airline).
My parent accompanied me, sweet ♥
My 1st time to offer my maternal grandfather.
The graves differ from the ones in my hometown.
And also the 1st time I step in my new college.

6 April

Orientation for the new students of college.

7 April

Lesson commenced. Due to couldn't understand the schedule given, I went to the wrong class, how embarrassing! o(>﹏<)o A lonely, depressing & boring day.

8 April

My friend is seriously sick and so his mom comes over to take care of him. I hope I will not get any illness as well, that would be truly suffering and troublesome, I can hardly imagine that my mom isn't around to depend on while I'm ill seriously.

11 April

Well, talk about my opinion towards the hostel I live in. I feel lucky that here's quite windy, the facilities are new & it's quite comfortable too. Not as terrible as I thought. ●‿●

14 April

Diarrhea early in the morning, go to toilet for several times. May it be the impact of the canteen's oily + salty food? Hmmm..... too bad.... I couldn't understand what's taught by the teacher, hope I can cope well with my course.

2010 Jan - Apr life

2010-04-30T07:02:00.000-07:00

This blog was created since August 2007, but it is always being left behind or abandoned.

*sweat*

Time really goes by quickly as a shooting star.

Now is already 2010.

2010 can be considered as a hectic year.

January: Busy cleaning house and the preparation of chinese new year.

February: Chinese New Year + Relax + Eat a lot...haha....

March: Working at the pet shop (Pets Passion) at 101 premier.

April: Busy with the enrollment of college, packing my stuffs, moving to college's hostel.

I'm now taking the course, Diploma in Quantity Surveying.

5 centimeters per second

2009-04-21T05:18:00.000-07:00

Long time doesn't keep updates again, kyahaha...

As I was addicted to a game....

It's SDO (super dancer online).

Lol...I wonder how long I hadn't been addicted to a game.

Hope that I will be able to stop this habit ASAP! o(>﹏<)o It's such a drug.

Enough....I think watching animation is better than playing games.

Unlike game, at least I can learn something from the animation.

Now, let talk about 5 centimeters per second! I have just watched this animation recently...

All I can say is...wow...how awesome & marvelous the graphics is.

It impressed me. I like the sakura (cherry blossom).

It's a very realistic story yet romantic. Quite sad though.

Hmm...can be considered as factual.

Preview:

Here're some excellent AMVs of 5 centimeters per second picked from youtube.

I ♥ them ! (｡・ω・｡) ♫♬

Enjoy~♫♩♭♪♬♪(｡◡‿◡｡)

Oh ya~ you may try to watch it too! It has only 3 episodes all together.
I always prefer short animation like this as I can hardly finished the whole series which has too many episodes...^^ See ya!

Rain Rain Rain

2009-01-18T11:05:00.000-08:00

Wah~ I found this pic from glitter-graphics.com. It's awesome.

It has been raining for days in our country.

Yet...I like this weather.

Quiet and peaceful...

Although it's lonely too.

I had been going back to school for two weeks.

I don't like my school life very much,though.

Every day facing the thick books.

Homework and homework...

Coming nonstop....

I think I get enough of these.

I wanna relax too. Kyaa... (｡= ω = ｡)

YaO's photos

2008-12-31T21:46:00.000-08:00

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Hello
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Here's some of my new photographs.

I took them while I was boring during the holidays. Hehee...

Oh yeah... don't steal my photos without my permission ya~

Although I'm not that pretty, lol...

我趁着无聊的假期里拍了好多新照片。

所以我就在这分享一些咯！嘻...

对了，眼看就好，不要不经同意就偷走哟～

虽然我不是很美的说,哈哈...

Somemore...show ya my pets.

They make my life become more interesting. \(^0^)/

加上一些我宠物的照片。 XD

它们可是为我的生活增添不少乐趣呢！

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See ya~
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End of the year 2008.

2008-12-31T03:30:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day of 2008.
Time goes by very quickly.
Waa....after my 2009's birthday. I will be able to drive car.

Today, my mom look at the lunar calender ( also known as Chinese calender).
She told me that I will turn to be 18 in 2009 according to the lunar calender.
(In Chinese custom, our age is one year older, so my actual age on 2009 is 17.)
She said I'm still like a kid, playing like a little child at home. Haa...

Yes...I act like a kid at home. But outside the house, I'm different.
My personality is different while I stay outside, am very silent.
At home, I'm a chatter girl. So my sis always says that I like to pretend like a good girl so that others will praise me. No no....Actually she has been misunderstanding me.
Because I feel free at home. Outside, I feel a little uncomfortable.
I scared to say something wrong.
At home, I don't have to worry much. Because family do not mind so much about your fault.
• Here's a sentence I like. I found it from a book.
--->Friends come and go. But family will always be there for you.
Yeah~ I agree with that. Family is really important in my life. They give me lots of thing.
They give me encouragement and support me a lot. I want to say that I'm really glad to have them as my family.

I always tell my mom about everything. She is the best listener and she will give me suggestion.
We must believe what is told by the elder. They have gone through more experience then us.
Yes...My mom see my childish side, but....
Actually I've been changing a lot inwardly.
I have less excitement to do everything.
Before, my life is full of curiousity and excitement.
Now, I guess....hmm....I'm getting older now.
I find uninterested in most of the thing I liked before.
Most of the teens like my age will do something teens will like to do.
Maybe...like....having a crush on someone else, hanging around and chatting with friends at some public location.
But I prefer staying at home and always refuse to hang around with friends.
Also, become not as friendly as before.
So that's rare if someone invites me to hang around with them.

I can say that time really goes by very very quickly. 18?
I can hardly imagine how is my future. What should I do in future?
I'll be going to university soon. Which route should I choose?
This question is annoying me. I'm a stupid without dream.
Still think that I have lots of time to think about it. But it's wrong.
Next year is a very important year.
I'll have a very important test which it known as SPM in our country.
We can only take this test once in our life. That's why it's important.
This test is held in the end of the year 2009.
One year is short, after next year, I'll have to decide my future.
If I choose wrong route, I'll regret.
I'm very worry. I'm lost...
Nobody can tell me the answer. I can only find the answer by myself.
Although we can't predict our future, I believe that I won't regret if I choose something I like.
Yet....what's the thing I wish for? What's the thing I truly like?

I have a lot of questions in my mind.
OMG....how can I overcome this problem? TT^TT

Konichiwa ♥

2008-12-20T17:20:00.000-08:00

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I seldom log on this blog.

So I'll only update it whenever I'm free...

This is the first time I write something on. (っ≧ω≦)っ♡ ♥

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