Is it alright?

The more I try to conceal, the more I am lost.

How I wish you would always tell me what worries you timely.

At least I can get to approach your mind that way?

I can't read your mind, I can't reach it at all.

Making me feel like there's a distance which I can't break.

I hope, you can be honest to me.

Wondering if there's anything I did or said which bothers you.

I don't want you to suffer by that alone.

Just admit if there's anything.

Some times my thought changes...

Some times I sense things changing...

My surrounding is also changing...

My focus changes as well...

Perhaps I just need more time to adapt to the new change.

I hate how slow I am....

Is it me thinking too much?

Or it's just that you're being too hectic and too much things to concern?

Do you ever feel the same way as I do?

I feel truly sorry...for all the troubles I've brought to you.

I know how my mood is fluctuating.

I'm afraid that you might be influenced by my unstable mood.

In that case, I would rather choose to spend my time alone than troubling you.

On the other hand, I wish to stay by your side when it's necessary.

No matter what mood you possess, I don't mind.

I just realized... a person can either be hurt by a deed or by someone not doing anything or both.

What I always have in my mind

Treasure

Looking back those letters and cards from my old friends and also some emotional diaries I wrote. It is absolutely once in a blue moon for me to have a rummage in drawers and dig out all those stuffs.

I realized how childish I was again. Maybe it's the sign of growing up to a higher stage again?

This was what happened while I was form 4 and 5:


I thought the diaries I wrote before (form 1-3?) was all so ridiculous. I laughed at how innocent I was, at the same time jealous at myself, the previous optimistic me, thinking how I can no longer turn back to the way before anymore. That's the worst feeling ever. How can one ever jealous at themselves?


I even burnt all the diaries i wrote because of that back then. I just couldn't stand it, the diaries reflect the happy me before but also how I turned to be so miserable that makes me so suffer, though those are sweet memories written in my diary. The darkness filled my mind up that mislead my thought all tend to the negative way, even sweet memories can also pull me down to hell.


Form 4 & 5 huh? The best word can be used to describe those two years of my life is emo.
I kept on blaming myself. Thinking myself as an unlucky mankind, meaningless existence that no one will even know it when I disappear from this world one day, disappear without making a sound, making good for the earth. So I created my email with a word 'invisible'.

I even told my mom, "My life is meaningless, the ones important to me have moved on but only me left behind waiting at the same place, I'm so useless and silly, I'm so coward that I dare not express my true feeling and end up losing the grip. I hate this world, how realistic this world is. There's darkness every where!"

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I guess most of my secondary classmates know it since the change is obvious.

I've changed to be down almost all the day after form 3.

That time I've suddenly become all close-up, building a kind of invisible wall to myself layer by layer.

I had only a few close friends, I guess they can't get to reach my mind as well.

That time I was truly miserable, hide myself in the darkness, close myself in a cage I built.

Why I become like that? Well, I always live my life in the past instead of looking forward.

I can't help making comparison between the past and present.

When we were separated to different class, I started to feel insecure and upset.
As if a building which can collapse any time, as if some of the struts supporting me before had broken.
Yeah, because some of those important to me were no longer staying by my side like before, I felt so helpless, starting to view this world from all different negative angles.

Now I look at those words my old friends wrote, I realize how I childish I was.

They were trying hard to give me a hand, to grant me encouragement, but I didn't get it at all.

Still living inside the little world of myself. I didn't even have guts to tell them how I miss ém.
I'm not the spontaneous type. Even until now, I won't tell someone how I miss them, instead, I'll keep this feeling. I rarely find, contact or talk to some one else first by myself.

And I realize, secondary school friends are truly important. Who else in life gonna spend their effort doing cards and writing letters with all their heart like they did? And those letter I keep, are now treasure. Very memorable ones. Now, unlike before, I won't burn it, instead, they keep me smiling. As I finally get to see it now. After becoming more optimistic again, I now realize how bad it is to put yourself into the darkness when others are actually not pulling you to the darkness. I've lost my friends by myself, wasted their effort, pushing myself away from them, every thing was ruined by my own hands. It's ok now. Everyone learn from mistake. I should have learned my lesson now, though it might be too late. Special thanks to Phedra, Eileen, Tsai Cheng, Kimlin, Yuan Chyn and... a noob zai LPC! You guys truly mean a lot to me on those days. And also sorry that I keep emo-ing that time.